Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Holding my tongue and praying my heart follows

I know it's been awhile since my last post. But, I have been convicted for awhile about a certain subject and today when I read my devotional I just decided I needed to come clean, put myself out there a little. Maybe it will hold me accountable, maybe it will help someone else or maybe it will just get it off my chest...either way, I need to say it.
    I have been in a sad place for awhile. Don't get me wrong...I am functioning like normal but have pretty much felt like at any moment I could burst into tears. (which I have done at very strange times-not my best moments) So, for awhile I have tried to blame hormones or others for my new found "overly sensitive" side but I have also prayed long and hard about the situation. Although it might be easier to continue to blame others... I believe what God is showing me is that I, the mom, the tone setter of the household, the one that is supposed to "open my mouth with wisdom, and have the teaching of kindness be on my tongue" (Proverbs 31:26), am dealing with the heavy burden of shame and guilt.
See, I, like most people, carry quite a bit of baggage from my life. Deep hurts and pains that effect my daily life and create struggles and obstacles. When I choose to not hold my tongue or make sure that I am speaking truth and love into my children's lives the guilt I feel for dumping that hurt into their lives is debilitating. It makes me question my ability to be used by God. Even in places I've been blessed to see Him place me for a distinct purpose.
So, for months I have felt....well...useless. I hadn't noticed what a  horrible feeling that is before now. When you believe God has a purpose for you, that you are on a mission for God there is super natural strength pushing you forward, driving you. But, when you feel "un-useable"(my new word) you just feel like you are wandering around, going through the motions, trying and failing (yet again) at doing your best. Because without His supernatural power behind me....I am unable to do my best.
   As I read my daily "wake up call" I mean devotional this morning entitled "Me and My Mama Mouth" it all clicked.(Light bulb) I am tired of letting my shame and guilt make me "un-useable". I do not want to allow Satan to turn moments of Godly conviction into something disgraceful. I want to tap into God's supernatural power, embrace some imperfect progress(from the book Unglued), humble myself and tell my children sorry. I want them to know I'm a work in progress and I make mistakes. I want them to know imperfect is usable. I want a do-over. I am blessed to worship the God that made "do-overs" possible.
So, for the month of November I will be posting the above verse in my home and I will work on creating a habit of having a tongue that lifts others up, creates a safe home and spreads God's truths to others. I am going to need so much prayer while doing this though. Although, I know these are Biblical truths it is hard for me to let them "sink-in". I KNOW they apply to me I just want to BELIEVE it and FEEL it. I don't know if that makes sense but that is my attempt in putting my feelings into words...
Thank you for reading. I would love your thoughts, inspirations, prayers and comments.