Holding my tongue and praying my heart follows

I know it's been awhile since my last post. But, I have been convicted for awhile about a certain subject and today when I read my devotional I just decided I needed to come clean, put myself out there a little. Maybe it will hold me accountable, maybe it will help someone else or maybe it will just get it off my chest...either way, I need to say it.
    I have been in a sad place for awhile. Don't get me wrong...I am functioning like normal but have pretty much felt like at any moment I could burst into tears. (which I have done at very strange times-not my best moments) So, for awhile I have tried to blame hormones or others for my new found "overly sensitive" side but I have also prayed long and hard about the situation. Although it might be easier to continue to blame others... I believe what God is showing me is that I, the mom, the tone setter of the household, the one that is supposed to "open my mouth with wisdom, and have the teaching of kindness be on my tongue" (Proverbs 31:26), am dealing with the heavy burden of shame and guilt.
See, I, like most people, carry quite a bit of baggage from my life. Deep hurts and pains that effect my daily life and create struggles and obstacles. When I choose to not hold my tongue or make sure that I am speaking truth and love into my children's lives the guilt I feel for dumping that hurt into their lives is debilitating. It makes me question my ability to be used by God. Even in places I've been blessed to see Him place me for a distinct purpose.
So, for months I have felt....well...useless. I hadn't noticed what a  horrible feeling that is before now. When you believe God has a purpose for you, that you are on a mission for God there is super natural strength pushing you forward, driving you. But, when you feel "un-useable"(my new word) you just feel like you are wandering around, going through the motions, trying and failing (yet again) at doing your best. Because without His supernatural power behind me....I am unable to do my best.
   As I read my daily "wake up call" I mean devotional this morning entitled "Me and My Mama Mouth" it all clicked.(Light bulb) I am tired of letting my shame and guilt make me "un-useable". I do not want to allow Satan to turn moments of Godly conviction into something disgraceful. I want to tap into God's supernatural power, embrace some imperfect progress(from the book Unglued), humble myself and tell my children sorry. I want them to know I'm a work in progress and I make mistakes. I want them to know imperfect is usable. I want a do-over. I am blessed to worship the God that made "do-overs" possible.
So, for the month of November I will be posting the above verse in my home and I will work on creating a habit of having a tongue that lifts others up, creates a safe home and spreads God's truths to others. I am going to need so much prayer while doing this though. Although, I know these are Biblical truths it is hard for me to let them "sink-in". I KNOW they apply to me I just want to BELIEVE it and FEEL it. I don't know if that makes sense but that is my attempt in putting my feelings into words...
Thank you for reading. I would love your thoughts, inspirations, prayers and comments.
Jennifer

Imperfect Progress- working hard to keep myself together

So, I have joined my first online bible study. It is based on the book "Unglued" by Lisa Terkeurst and although I don't like to admit it, I'm am pretty sure it was written just for me. The plus side of that is, although it makes me relive moments where I hurt my loved ones (moments I'd rather forget), it helps me change and stick to it. Our first Chapter was titled: An Invitation to Imperfect Progress. Imperfect progress is basically learning to be okay with baby steps- which are extremely hard to be okay with when you hold yourself to giant leap standards :). Lisa talks about forming new thought patterns and how perspective is key in this. How we need to trust God to turn all circumstances (even the tough ones) into good in our lives. It might not be right away ( once again, something I struggle with) but to trust Him that in His time...it will come. As I sit right now I am sad that I let my "unglued" behavior persist this long but I am grateful for the book God has placed in my path and I look forward to making imperfect progress towards a more "held together" me. I don't mean looking like I'm held together either. I mean being held together from the inside out. So, today my beautiful imperfection is that I'm going to be okay with imperfect progress, I'm going to delight in my steps because, however little they may be, they are steps which means I am no longer STUCK! And being "unstuck" is a great place to be. :)

My welcome into the blog world

Ok, so I know I created this blog way back in March but I am considering this my official welcome date because I hadn't posted anything yet. I have now decorated my spot exactly how I want it(this is the one spot that I can decorate that is completely unreachable from little fingers),updated my information about my blog and am ready to blog! Check out my information if you are wondering about posts to come and what you can expect from this blog. I don't know who will listen or what they will get out of it but I hope it brings you a smile. Or, if nothing else, I hope you can learn something from my beautiful imperfections! Maybe we can laugh at them together. :)
Jennifer